Hilarious Search Engine Terms

People come across my blog by typing certain key words on Google various search engine terms. Some of them are weird or plain amusing that I thought to share them with you guys here:

“Barney dinosaur stacked and killed the m”

“show me some story of chinese movies”

“is a size 12 fat to men”

“when husband fondle”

“scrotum move education film”

“vagina exercise movie”

“dawkins puddle”

“fantasy movie with princess and flying b”

And best yet: “lindsay lohan with unplucked eyebrows”

Movie 10: High School Musical 2

.

highschoolmusical2.jpg

I’ve never liked anything produced by the Disney Channel. Yet some time last year I couldn’t resist watching High School Musical due to the hype surrounding it. It did make me chuckle at parts, I liked a couple of the characters (Gabriella seemed sweet, Ryan adorable), and I loved the song “Breaking Free.” Overall it was terrible, though. Then I also watched the concert and was amazed at the number of people who worshiped the show. The audience was HUGE, man, HUGE.

And just because I’m a masochist of some sort, I also found a couple hours in my incredibly and excredibly busy schedule tonight to see the sequel. Now it may be that I have a twisted mind, but that ha got to be the most sexual G-rated movie I’ve ever seen. The pool scenes? The swimsuits? The numerous double-entendres? Or maybe it’s just me, in which case: never mind.

I wasn’t really that disappointed by the movie – since I never really liked it in the first place. I do wonder about the exact interval between the first movie and this one. Just about everyone has changed his/her/its hairstyle and grown some. Half of the cast certainly doesn’t look like they belong in high school. Also, Gabriella no longer looks like the good girl she’s supposed to be, and whoever plays Sharpay is such a terrible actress. I still love the boy who plays Ryan, though. Ha.

Book 19: The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye (1998)

.

theactofmarriage.jpg

Quotations from Chapter 6 – The Art of Lovemaking:

“Learn as much as you can before the wedding night. The previous chapter on sex education should be read several times to make sure both the bride and groom understands the functions of the male and female reproductive systems.”

“The vaginal exercise program . . . is described in chapter 10. All brides-to-be should become aware of the muscles used and should practice [these] exercises several weeks before the wedding.”

“As the husband is tenderly caressing the clitoris or vaginal area with his hand, the couple will probably be lying on the bed with the wife on her back. If she will spread her legs, keeping her feet flat on the bed, and pull them up toward her body, it will be helpful for them both. The husband finds this voluntary act of cooperation very exciting, and it makes her most sensitive areas accessible to his caressing fingers. It is best for the husband to fondle the area around the clitoris, but he should not start foreplay there at first because of potential irritation.”

“We suggest, however, that they arouse each other as outlined above, and when the wife thinks she is ready for entrance, she should take the groom’s penis in her hand and place it in her vagina.”

“After her climax, the wife should turn on her side while the husband lies on his back. Gently massaging the genital region, she should run her fingers over his penis, pubic hair, scrotum, and inner thighs. She should be very careful not to put pressure on his testicles located inside his scrotal sac, as this can be quite uncomfortable.”

“The wife can lower herself onto his penis at her discretion.”

Oh my GOD. I don’t know whether to laugh or cringe. For something that is written for Christians, this chapter makes me feel so . . . unclean. I’ll bet the married Christian couple who wrote this book has an especially satisfying sex life even though they were both virgins on their wedding day. I’m so jealous.

Book 11: Are You Rapture Ready? by Todd Strandberg and Terry James (2004)

.

areyouraptureready.jpg

I actually read the first two books in the Left Behind series (by Tim LaHaye, who wrote the foreword for this book) and liked them. At the time I hadn’t really been thinking about Christianity for the longest time and temporarily forgot that The End Is Near, so I found the whole thing intriguing. I had absolutely no idea what the Rapture is all about, though, and I swore to learn more about it “one of these days.”

Two years later, I finally picked up this book. I read bits here and there (it’s really hard to read this book without skipping to the more interesting sections) and remembered some of the scattered teachings of the non-Catholic Christian school I went to as a preteen.

I remember my violin teacher telling me the European countries uniting was a sign of something (which I now know the second awakening of the Roman Empire – or something). He also said one day we all would be forced to use microchips to function in this society, and if we refuse (because the body is the temple of God and we shouldn’t insert anything unnatural into it), we’d be brutally killed. I remember that really scared me and everyone in the orchestra – being twelve-year-olds and all. And Bill Gates was the Antichrist because “www” can be rewritten as “vi vi vi,” which translates into “666.”

That’s all this book does – reminding me of the good old days. I expected to learn about the Rapture a whole lot more from this book, but I didn’t. I just find it interesting that the authors seriously considers Barney the dinosaur as the Antichrist. I mean, my God. Most of us say it only as a joke. Seriously.

Book 2: Every Boy’s Got One by Meg Cabot (2005)

.

everyboysgotone.jpg

This book reminds me as to why I gave up on Meg Cabot a long time ago. Jane Harris, the main character, is annoying as hell. She’s in her thirties and she sounds like a fifteen-year-old. Is being a cartoonist a reason to sound like an idiot? Which full-grown woman has all that spare time to constantly write in her diary anyway? She keeps jabbering and jabbering until I feel like slapping her.

The sad thing is, her narrative is the best part of the book. Everything else is in the form of e-mails, notes, and pure randomness – which is so annoying I started to skip them after a while. Before I completely abandoned the book, that is.

I already have with me another book by Meg Cabot, though, so maybe – maybe – I’ll give her another chance. At least this one doesn’t seem to have an annoying format.